How did it all get so heavy? There is only so much anyone can really carry before they fall and everything they thought was going right….ends. You’re not alone with depression. It’s real and it really hurts. Some would say that it’s probably more painful then a knife cut to the skin.
How did it all get so heavy? Trying to smile and be friendly wasn’t so hard when we were kids. It all started with a smile and we grabbed each others hand and an adventures would begin. We would take each other off into magical lands where anything was possible and we were actually there for each other saving us from the lava pits and the evil dragon guarding the cookies on aisle 6. Realizing that only 15 minutes passed by and we became saddened by the fact that our grocery store adventure came to an end. We say goodbye and go home. I guess ignorance really is bliss.
Now as an adult we constantly are trying to be better then someone. No one has their shit together all the time. My generation is amazing at filtering out their problems and their “terrible awful”. Was I not doing it right? Was there someone I should have been trying to do to make people like me or to be accepted into the gay clicks that I oogled over and wanted so much to be a part of. I tried joining a sports team, just for fun, and I was rejected. I was rejected by being ignored and by not being included in anything. I can’t help but feel like I wont fit in here. Now, don’t get me wrong, they let me play, they let me play. It was the deeper purpose of joining a gay sports team, which was to find a place to belong. It wasn’t there. I had never put myself out there before and I wanted so much to make a good impression. It doesn’t matter what you try. If people don’t have an interest they wont bother with you anymore. I have nothing to offer other people but myself and maybe the universe was looking out for me and saving me from being hurt by leading me on and letting me believe that I would be more then what I was, which was just a person that played with them once in a while.
Everything feels broken when you’re depressed and that feeling doesn’t go away just because you get lost in Facebook or IG. Come on, let it go and realize that you’re worth so much more then the opinion of other guys. Guys that make you feel more alone then ever. Its a real thing. Surrounding yourself with people you forced yourself into their lives is the most isolating feeling ever. They’re not really there for you, you just want them to be. Being good at being alone is definitely a struggle and its a great strength. Once its mastered. I want to photograph myself and remember who I was and what I was feeling so I can pass on this knowledge to future generations. That’s being overly ambitious. I will probably talk about it but never do it. So I’ll just write about it then. Step one….accepting the fact that you’re not going to get along with everyone and remembering that its not you…its just ok to be alone right now. Because you’re really not alone.