I write because it’s healing

These words I write on here are my diary. People will take these words and interpret them as they want. No one can control other peoples emotions or the way people perceive things. Its a hard reality to grasp as a millennial. No one teaches you these things because who wants to tell someone they can’t have it they’re way? All I have to say about that is that someone should have!

I realize more and more as I go on this journey of self healing and discovery that I am not going to recover what I lost with my ex. I am just going to let him go. Letting him go is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I lost my best friend, boyfriend, and a piece of my family all at the same time. You never expect it to be that way until you realize that you pick up the phone and the person you want to call, you can’t call anymore. The person you’re heading home to, is no longer there. Before you know it, you’re drowning in sadness and sorrow seeps into your mind and you’re depressed on your drive home.

It’s ok. This is normal. You’ll get through this rough patch. You will survive. Don’t think of the new memories he’s going to be making. Think about the new memories you will make with other people. Stop yourself from feeling the loss and fill the emptiness with laughter or desire. Delve into more then the superficial pain. You can’t ask for closure. Which is the worse part, I will control my emotions because I am stronger. He’s not trying to hurt you, he’s just trying to not feel the pain. He’s trying to escape. Don’t do what he does. Don’t try and escape. Face the pain, punch the bitch in the face and say you’ve had enough! Pain and fear will always be there until you get past it. You’re on a path and the main path will be scary and emotional, exciting and terrifying at times even. In order to grow however, one must persevere through the hardships and that is how you become stronger then the past you. Metamorphosis is change at its purest. Get stronger through sheer willpower. You wish him well and you wish yourself better. Be better, be braver, be a beautiful human being.


To Whom It May Concern…

I realized he’s numb….he absolutely cannot and will not feel anything about me. It protects him from pain and sadness. Whether I like it or not, it’s what he’s doing. The anger and sadness fuels the numbness he feels towards me, and in time, it may dissipate into tolerance or maybe back into love. I just know now that I can’t make it better. I only will make it worse at this point. I have grown up a lot in the past 10 months. My life has changed and my life has felt like it was ending. I realized that I am now loving someone like I’ve never loved someone before in my life (sorry ex’s).

But when you hurt someone, you don’t just hurt their feelings. You hurt the very fibers of their body and their heart feels like it will fall out of their body.
To stop this pain, you become numb to the person that caused this trauma. In this case, it would be me.

My love is everlasting…for you Z.

To whom it may concern…

“I love you so much. I can only offer my apology every day until it doesn’t hurt you anymore. I understand now that this is not something to ask of you and I accept that. I will give you space and give you time. I will give you what you need in order to feel again. I don’t know how long you will need and neither do you. I will patiently wait for you because you’re the only one I think is worth waiting for.

IF….you choose to never have me be a part of your life again. I will respect that and will always love you. I will love you for everything you’ve done for me. The way you changed my life, my own self-worth. You showed me sides of life I never dreamt I would see. Most importantly you showed the most incredible love anyone could experience. I only wish I could have been given the chance to show you that too.”

Skincare: High-End versus Barg-end

It’s always been a debated topic that high-end products are more effective than regular over the counter products. As much as I love higher caliber products not all are the best and while department store brands are crap, not all are useless and snake oil. Most of the time. A tip; find out what your skin actually is needing to obtain optimal results for your skin.

Take a moment to really evaluate your skin problems. Seek out an esthetician at your local spa or beauty store. Feeling like you have to buy expensive products to see a result is stupid and you shouldn’t feel like that. The main concern should be what does your skin need? Moisture? Exfoliation? Correction? Thousands of products all claim to do the exact same thing and you’re caught in some kind of personal turmoil about which one is actually better. Better for what? The company that’s trying to sell it or actually for you. I believe in allowing people to make their own decision about what they want, I only give them the direction, how they choose to get to their destination is in their hands. Heeding my advice and listening to me is probably going to take them down a road which has a better outcome in a shorter amount of time. Hoofin’ it solo is perfectly acceptable as well but you need to be aware that not all products will give you what you want. Professionals who are trained in the products and techniques can help you. Expensive products wont give it to you faster either. You’re being a chemist on your face and skin therapists are the master chemists when it comes to your skin. Getting a facial at least once a month is recommended. Due to city pollutants and uncontrollable factors our skin takes a beating every day and it takes someone who can just closely look at your skin to really know whats going on and how to keep you on a good path. Products and assumptions do you no favors.

I have found that several department store products actually do amazing things for my skin and really help with the current problem I am facing at the time. Whether it be dryness or acne, even some sun damage. You just have to be aware about what’s out there and what is actually working. Trusted names are always a great start but not required. Product lines that have been around the block are always the best. Lancôme, Estee Lauder, Clinique, Skin Medica, etc. Most product line have a doctor behind them or a bunch of science to really prove their products have an affective ingredient.

Skin medica.png

The fact of the matter is, is that products are only as good as the science and the intention that goes into them. Take into consideration that all the product lines I mentioned earlier have product lines have been around for a long, long time. They’ve had time to see what works in the beauty world and what is just not helping. Pulling products, developing new products and enhancing an already successful product to make it better are excellent business practices as a skincare or beauty company.


Estee Lauder is probably my favorite company because they have basically become an umbrella corporation and house some of the best companies out on the market. Allowing people to move from expensive to affordable all while maintaining the feedback from each consumer. To really grow and mold to what the public is using and just likes in general.


For companies that are considered to be “new” or “unknown” they have some work to do. That’s not saying what they are producing isn’t working. I’ve found through out my personally long skincare journey some unpopular brands are actually the better option for me. No one said you had to pay a fortune for a moisturizer. “Natural can actually be better for your skin and its specific needs. Remember that everyone’s skin is unique like their fingerprint. So it stands to reason that one skincare line, whether expensive or department store will work better for your skin concerns. Botanicals and natural ingredients have made a huge name for themselves in the skincare world. More and more companies are stearing away from the chemically dependant products and infusing them with natural botanicals such as Willow Bark Extract (Salcylic acid). As science and technology advance so will our skincare.


I am a nobody when it comes to being an influence in the beauty industry. But I do know that a product which is so bold to state “they’ve taken out everything that you dont need and is only giving you what your skin needs”, is a load of crap. I’m not saying they’re lying but that’s a blanket statement targeted for people who have no idea whats going on with their skin, and last I checked a company’s skin rep’s aren’t coming to your house to check your skin out in the mirror with you.

For now at least, I do plan on making it big and being an influential person in this field. I have to start somewhere though. Helping people is what I do and knowing that people can’t always afford the products they want I still help and educate on how they can obtain great skin or a better glow.

Step One: See a Skin Therapist once a month

Step Two: Stay consistant with your skin care.

Step Three: Whether with me or some other professional, ASK LOADS OF QUESTIONS!

Step Four: Be prepared to face reality about your favorite products. (Sometimes they’re not as great as you may think)

Step Five: Always smile. Being happy is just a good rule of life. No one likes a downer.

Stay young where it it matters most to you.




Millennials…a job honest truth

As embarrassing as it is to admit. I am unemployed and have been since I graduated from esthetics school and although I practice my skills on the side it still is discouraging to not have a steady paycheck. For me it comes down to being prideful and not wanting to settle. For others it may be their upbringing that gave them the idea they had the silver spoon but really it was wooden. As a millennial we are a generation that probably demands being handed opportunity and expects things to be easily obtained. I sit here today to explain how this is not how the world works. As much as I told myself that I knew this knowledge, I still acted as if I didn’t respect the knowledge. I just was all talk. Which is even more of an embarrassment to admit. Knowing ones own flaws help shed light on it for other people to see theirs.

Successful medical career, really invested time into and then I changed my direction in skincare. Similar but definitely not in the same ball park. I had to adjust my way of thinking, thinking that I was entitled to hold a elevated position with a spa or company wasn’t true. Maybe for a medical clinic I could have that option but I started over. You have to start from some where….you have to be brave enough to start from the bottom because it needs to be done. It doesn’t mean that we are not worthy of more. If you actually think about it. How often do you read a job review (Glassdoor) and they say management didn’t know what they were doing. That’s probably because they didn’t start from the bottom. They stumbled into the position and assumed that they knew how it works there because of past experience. It’s true. Look it up….there are so many companies and so many of these kinds of reviews. Either disgruntled employees or pure honesty. There is a truth to it. Be a better manager, be a better provider for the company you want to represent.

Take your time to accept that you’re not going to be the top bitch in your company, today. Persevere  and stay on the path and things will gradually come to pass and you may find yourself the most admired boss or leader. Instant gratification doesn’t make you a better adult in the long run, it just proves you knew a shortcut…who ever obtained true success through shortcuts? If you’re on the fence about a job and they want you to start over and you think you can be better some where else. Think about the longevity of your success and if this path will take you there.

I don’t want to be Immortal

Forever is a long time and I don’t think people actually realize what they’re saying when they say, “Forever”. Part of the human race is to feel and let go and to feel again. I love him but if my world is to end in fire then I’d take that as a respectful choice.

When you love someone, they always leave way sooner then you actually expected.

He knows I think about him. He knows that my love for him will never end and I wish him the best.

If being an immortal means I have to harbor this feeling someone where in my heart forever. I don’t want to be immortal. Everyone in the world seems to be chasing after time and wanting a do over when they shouldn’t.

Loving him was not a mistake, my mistake was realizing too late what he meant to me. Or what I meant to him. Hindsight is always 20/20

He has to know….for me to do it all over, I would give everything and anything.

Loving someone means that even if you fight, you fight for him. Even when you don’t know why you’re with him. You remember that you’d do it over again and again because that what I want to do the rest of my life….as long as it’s with him.

I am learning to let go of my past mistakes. They’re there….taunting me every time I turn around to see if they’re still there. I’ll never forget what is behind me. I am the one who made my path after all. Forcing myself to see a new path. I give myself my superpower to leave the path and find a better. I only hope to see him on my new path as a new me.

I wasn’t ready for the love I received. I am now…




Skincare and Diabetes

It’s probably a fact that you’ve come across someone who has Diabetes whether a family member or a friend. As sad as it is, some people actually believe its solely because people made bad choices when it came to eating. That is not the case. For some, its genetic which individuals are just predisposed to and it throws a wrench in their lives in several aspects. As an esthetician it is one of things that we can actually look at and give it the middle finger to because we can still help them achieve their beauty goals and expectations we just need to be more mindful about it.

When doing any skin treatment (facial or otherwise) make sure they’ve filled out a Client/Patient history form. This is the most important step because you cover your ass and you then have a better understanding of their skin status.

Avoid extractions (if possible). Because a diabetic patient has a weakened immune system and their have different variations of neuropathy (numbness) extractions can be very risky to perform on a diabetic patient/client. They will not heal as fast as someone without diabetes and neuropathy may prevent them from knowing how much pressure you’re applying when doing extractions. Not to say that they can not receive them. Just be very mindful of your own pressure because you wont be able to rely on their feedback. If you’re uncomfortable doing extractions. Advise them that you will do any visable, extractable blemishes but do not what to risk opening the top layer of skin due to their skin condition. Products will work, the client just needs to be patient. If they insist you do them, document that they requested a thorough extraction session after you advised them about the contraindications. IF IT’S NOT WRITTEN DOWN, IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!!! Aside from that, this is your reputation and you are well within your right as a professional to refuse to do that because it’s a risk to their health. No one should fault you for that.

Treating their skin with products is important. With a Diabetic client their skin may be more dehydrated then most. This can be due to the disease or the medications they are taking to control their type 1 or type 2 diabetes.

Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Hyaluronic acid is super beneficial for dry skin and our body naturally produces it. It hold 1600 times its own weight in water. Bilberry oil and Jojoba oil are also extremely beneficial for hydrating the skin. It protects their skin and assists on the repair process of skin.
Antioxidants are super important as well.  One other thing to consider is their inflammation. Carnosine-L-benfotiamine is a free radical hunter which will also help with collagen and create a less inflamed status of their skin. Most products will have on their box, “anti-oxidant blah-blah”. Be aware that some products can claim to do one thing but actually don’t even touch on the promise written on the box. Do your own research of which products have the ingredients do achieve what you’re recommending. If you don’t know the answer to a product they suggest, its ok. A client will be more then appreciative that you’re genuinely trying to help get the right answer and product for her skincare needs. Take a minute and look it up.

Finish off with SPF, because most of their meds may make them photosensitive they will need an SPF. Zinc Oxide or Titanium Dioxide are the best physical sunscreen ingredients on the market. Recommend them something within their price range that works. I always recommend EltaMD SPF’s. They’re great and they are not super expensive.

When doing any kind of massage on the face. A little more gentle pressure. Again, neuropathy….they may not be able to tell if something is actually hurting their body. So be mindful when applying pressure to face and body massage. Now, they’re not a baby. They can take some pressure. But for my heavy handed skin therapist (you know who you are) just remember that communication and self awareness are integral for these clients.

Aside from that, if they seem to have any kind of open lesions on their body, especially their feet, inform them right away and advise them to see their family physician or their endocrinologist. Never give them medical advice about their meds or symptoms. If they ask what may happen if they don’t go see their doctor right away???….how I loathe this question, but unless you’re someone (like me) who has a medical background and  has seen the condition in it’s many forms, simply say “I don’t know, but I know enough about the skin that this will not heal up on its own. This looks to need medical professional attention “. That should end the conversation.

All in all, this should still be a pleasant experience for the client/patient. They’re there for help and guidance so give them that where you can and take the opportunity to learn more when you don’t know enough. Skincare is fun and you’re helping them feel like disease isn’t going to take that away from them either. I always recommend following Dermatologists or Plastic Surgeons for medical knowledge. Instagram or Twitter are excellent ways to stay in touch with doctors all over the world and get their view points on skincare and handling these tricky topics.  Get out there and make people feel beautiful!!




When the Sun Rises…

I woke up today and I honestly felt the world on my chest, or so it seemed. The drive to get up and start moving was there-in the mind….but lost in the actual action. How do you love when you’re broken? How do you move when you’re scared to enter the world?

You just do it. Now I know how stupid that sounds. Things that work, don’t always need to make the most sense. But you just move on and move along. Ironically, the day was so cold and I felt it as I walked around my neighborhood. Thinking about why I felt like this hurt earlier in the morning. Nothing came of it because my face was so frozen it hurt and to think about anything else was hard. I do know from previous experience, time heals….it will also change you. You just have to look past the revolving door to decipher the illusion and realize the weight of this world is only in my mind. In my mind, I am the ruler, I am the Stan Lee of my universe. The universe where I believe in magic and superheroes and villains. I can create and remove anything in my life. Giving something power gives them power over you. Don’t do that.

This world won’t take away my power. When we were younger we were told to have an imagination. As an adult were told to come back to reality. Interesting thing to say to a child when you tell the complete opposite later in life. Were such assholes to ourselves sometimes. haha.

Sometimes you get ideas and you just have to run with them…..love your mind and the places it can take you.


Deleting Social Media because Depression never sleeps.

How did it all get so heavy? There is only so much anyone can really carry before they fall and everything they thought was going right….ends. You’re not alone with depression. It’s real and it really hurts. Some would say that it’s probably more painful then a knife cut to the skin.

How did it all get so heavy? Trying to smile and be friendly wasn’t so hard when we were kids. It all started with a smile and we grabbed each others hand and an adventures would begin. We would take each other off into magical lands where anything was possible and we were actually there for each other saving us from the lava pits and the evil dragon guarding the cookies on aisle 6. Realizing that only 15 minutes passed by and we became saddened by the fact that our grocery store adventure came to an end. We say goodbye and go home. I guess ignorance really is bliss.

Now as an adult we constantly are trying to be better then someone. No one has their shit together all the time. My generation is amazing at filtering out their problems and their “terrible awful”. Was I not doing it right? Was there someone I should have been trying to do to make people like me or to be accepted into the gay clicks that I oogled over and wanted so much to be a part of. I tried joining a sports team, just for fun, and I was rejected. I was rejected by being ignored and by not being included in anything. I can’t help but feel like I wont fit in here. Now, don’t get me wrong, they let me play, they let me play. It was the deeper purpose of joining a gay sports team, which was to find a place to belong. It wasn’t there. I had never put myself out there before and I wanted so much to make a good impression. It doesn’t matter what you try. If people don’t have an interest they wont bother with you anymore. I have nothing to offer other people but myself and maybe the universe was looking out for me and saving me from being hurt by leading me on and letting me believe that I would be more then what I was, which was just a person that played with them once in a while.

Everything feels broken when you’re depressed and that feeling doesn’t go away just because you get lost in Facebook or IG. Come on, let it go and realize that you’re worth so much more then the opinion of other guys. Guys that make you feel more alone then ever. Its a real thing. Surrounding yourself with people you forced yourself into their lives is the most isolating feeling ever. They’re not really there for you, you just want them to be. Being good at being alone is definitely a struggle and its a great strength. Once its mastered. I want to photograph myself and remember who I was and what I was feeling so I can pass on this knowledge to future generations. That’s being overly ambitious. I will probably talk about it but never do it. So I’ll just write about it then. Step one….accepting the fact that you’re not going to get along with everyone and remembering that its not you…its just ok to be alone right now. Because you’re really not alone.



When did life become a struggle? No one seems to ever prepared us for this “Adult” thing. I watched video’s on YouTube about these 20-year olds that wonder when they were supposed to learn basic life skills (Taxes, Voting, Cooking more then just Cup Of Noodle, etc)

For me, that was the easy stuff. Love was the real struggle for me. My mother was Asian, and not all Asians are emotionally stunted but it seems to be a tradition to internalize pain and discontent for something. “You don’t make yourself a problem for people, no one likes that”. I ignored that lifestyle. I discovered that I am beautiful disaster and tragedy arose in my life and I wont say I enjoyed it, but I appreciate it now. I messed up love, I messed it up in such a way that it can’t be undone. Some advice; as much as you try to fix things that you know you messed up. You must let it go. Leave it to the wind to take it away. Because as long as you yourself have learned from your mistake, like genuinely learned from it, the rest needs to be let go. How? It hurts! It’s going to hurts so much to not be able to fix something broken. Let it be. Just be you and all that you are, the mistakes, the laughter, and the sadness. Because when the lights go out and you lay your head on your pillow. You have to be able to sleep with yourself no one else can take away your pain when you caused it. Everything may seem broken and it may be so, at the time, but a constant truth is that time heals all. You’ll have the nights that you can’t sleep and you’ll want to call or email that person. Remember to let it be. Just stay strong to you. Because before you were a “we” you were a “you”. It takes perseverance to get back to that.

Another truth is that you’re sadness isn’t that your relationship ended….it sometimes is much deeper especially when you’re truly in love. The real source of sadness (in my opinion) is that you’re sad because the life you envisioned with this person no longer is a possibility and the sadness and fight to make it better is you trying to keep a hold onto that future. No one ever tells you that once something is changed it can’t go back to the way it once was. It will never be the same. So before you really choose to change something or ruin something. Remember, it may look the same but it will never truly be the same. Love exists between humans because eventually we die. That’s what beautiful about being human. Love is an infinite source that never dies. Its energy, we keep it, give it away, store it and when we die…we pass it on to our loved ones. You always want to be the one to give it away, never let it be taken away. When you are trying to make something work out and it needs to be left alone. You’re giving yourself and your love away, probably to someone who doesn’t really see you the same. It’s ok to not be seen the same anymore. Change is scary (as we know from this past year). But you’re growing. Let go of who you once were and accept that you’re changed and someone else will give you love. On the days I am scared, I write or listen to music that brings me up. Your world wont make sense for a while, but you’re going to make it through it. Nothing bad lasts forever. Just make it through this and you’ll be stronger and rise higher then you ever have. In my whimsical mind and nerdy fantasy brain I always believed that if you’re in darkness and its the protagonist of your story. Darkness would never have existed without the Light shining first. It created the shadows in your fantasy land (your mind). So, you were weakened and the Darkness took over your land of magic and love. One other truth is that if this was real in your mind. You have to remember that underneath all of that darkness you’re seeing and feeling, it is simply covering up the light. The light that was already there in the beginning, it never leaves us. Find your light again. Be strong enough to banish the Darkness back into the caves of sadness. Just shine.

A mistake worth making

There are those times when I sit in silence, not really focusing on much of anything and I really just wonder the passageways of my mind. Every now and then I walk down a hall that ends up becoming the hall from the Shining. It’s ominous and you get a feeling of fear and sorrow. I love in such a way that is worth it, more now at 26 then I ever did at age 22 or 24. There is something that just takes over the body and mind and convinces me that its ok to feel this way.

Now I am sure everyone has done this and I have done it several times but its when you look up a celebrity and just kind of read their twitter feed or interview video’s on YouTube. You then start to get an idea of who they are or what they stand for in their life. Because most movies stars you just shake your head at or you idolize. I don’t really idolize celebrities. I think they’re people just like you or I, but have money and the options that money gives them. So as I aimlessly wonder through the twitter-verse, I come upon Chris Evans.

OOooooOoo….Chris Evans, Captain America to some. For me he’s just an actor. The more I read his posts or even watch his videos. He becomes more Chris Evans the man to me not Chris Evans the movie star. He’s just advertised as cool because of the several moments he posts or captures with his phone. Beneath that good looking face is a boy. A boy who values Legends of the Fall and his own family. Someone anyone would be proud of to be with or to know. Not really affected by his status as a celebrity but more of less uses it to be heard and send messages of love and compassion out in the world.

Sadly the world we live in, is a world where you have to be stupid to get noticed, hopefully that is coming to an end and people who are my age or around it will make something of themselves. It doesn’t matter how big or small the gesture is. “A single rain drop can raise the oceans”. When I do something, I try not to think about all the popularity I will obtain from it (if any at all) but more or less is it going to make a difference in the world I live in? I don’t have super powers and I don’t think I’d really want them. Everyone wants something that sets them apart from the normal. The greatest power anyone has, is the capability of wielding love at their own will. My favorite/recent example about love, which that may be the most relevant to most people is the story of Lillie Potter and Harry from J.K. Rowlings amazing books. J.K. wrote it beautifully that her character’s love was her ultimate power to make a difference in a world of darkness, fear and hopelessness, was to love. Sacrificing herself so her son could change the world and spread the love she gave him to unify people and bring about change that actually meant something for everyone. It makes my soul burn bright with happiness.

Anyways, I guess my soap box probably broke somewhere in the middle of this rant. Regardless, Chris Evans; authentic and kind who loves his mama. The majority of society; sweet Jesus we need help. Hopefully not for long will I feel like this. lol